and im opening gifts
and they're all kinda odds and ends
because my parents bought a hotel room, and dinner, and so gifts are cheap this year
and thats cool
then my mom goes to grab my grandmas present
and im really excited
when i open it it is this giant cross stitch of an angel dressed in purple
i mean GIANT
and matted
and framed
elaborately
And it took her 3 years to make
and if you know anything about my grandma you know that was truely an effort
because she has ALS... and her joints are always in pain
and my sister tells me its probably the last thing she'll ever make
because the doctors have given her about 3 years
and its crazy because this giant cross stitch angel
is like a metaphore
of everything ive ever felt about my grandma
so my mom says i need to call and thank her for it
and im like "meh whatever" cuz its late and im tired and i had to work and its my birthday and i have homework
and i call and talk to my grandpa
and i love talking to him on the phone
cuz his voice always sounds like he's laughing
he has this giant infectious smile
and i can just picture him in my head
and we talk for awhile like hey hows your birthday
and i ask to talk to my grandma and he says he'll go grab her
and i hear this shreak in the backround
and at first it dosn't phase me
when you get paid to talk on the phone you end up hearing a lot of weird crap
and i can hear the voice in the backround get louder and make out that its definetly somebody crying
and im like hey wait
this isn't a random stranger out in somehwere, illinoise
its my fucking grandma
and my grandpa gets back on the phone
and says that she isn't feeling well
and he's going to carry her to bed
So i go and tell my mom what happend
and i can tell she's really disturbed
because my mom FEEELS things so strongly
a sensitive type of lady
so we pray for my grandma in the hallway
i went downstairs to my bathroom
and just started crying
because she's fucking dying
and i want to slap myself for taking this long to figure out what that means
I've known for months this is how it was
and ive shut it out of my head
like death is this weird obsolete thing that happens to other peoples grandmas
and for the first time i realise what dying means
it means to suffer
the poor lady is in pain
and thats why i was crying
because even though its not like i call my grandma
or like visiting her
or think the giant angel thing is something id ever find attractive
there is so much love there in our family
she made this thing for 3 years
and i will keep it until i die
"its ok grandpa i understand"
"alright well i better go. We love you."
"Love you too, tell grandma thanks for me"