I was happy on Saturday
It felt like I could breathe for the first time in a week
I walked inside and it still felt like mine
and I was happy to be home
and I thought of all the ways I would use the new spaces
That still had dents in the carpet from furniture that used to sit there
He walked in and we had to talk
but we had exhausted all the negatives
and it felt like...
there wasn't any other choice but to be pleasant and cute
and resort to silly faces
and ridiculous would you evers
I just saw my old giddy self inside all of this
Inside the loud talking
and faded eyes
the excitment of a new sensation
and a new possibility
and I was nostalgic for who I used to be
when a saturday night at her house used to mean something to me
before I became so sick of everyone
so tired of the bullshit excuses
and the selfishness and the pathetic wasted ramblings
back when i still thought i was the shit
i would come home and put on make up til a phone call told me to get in my car and drive
i was the most selfish one of all..
i can see that now
because I would never go one place for too long
I would always line up two or three engagements and pick the best
because I was the shit and so in control of where my free time would take me
I never wanted to be alone
Even as i threw any caution and discretion into the wind
and let myself melt back into that warm comfortable embrace
in the place where i had made my home
I decided to switch off my mind - to give it the rest it needed
and enjoy whatever would come
and I did
Sunday I woke up feeling like a dog that eats its own poop
What was it that made me fork it all over
I gained all this weight
and forgot how to laugh
I don't do my hair
I'm scared to meet people
I'm not attractive.. I don't care how it looks
I thought I had stopped careing because I'd grown mature
I'd stopped being superficial finally
I was relaxed
I was comfortable
But now when I look in the mirror I just see someone who doesn't suck the pleasure out of life like she used to
Someone I didn't set out to be
someone unpredictable and dramatic
now I just know I am unattractive in all aspects
because I became so negative
because I let you convince me to hate everyone
I feel my body being pushed down the river
by this uncontrollable fluid force
im helpless to move in any one direction on my own
im just falling to where it will take me
and I only hope I wash ashore in some favorable location
but I've already been swept past so many
so many blushing brides
and smiling babies
and sunny apartments
and better deals
but now I am trapped
and now I am completely alone
Where do I get to land?
Will I be allowed to prosper?
And why?
because I just decided one kind of delight was superior to all others
I only want one thing
ever ever ever any and every time
i wanted it and now i need it
Thats the only way I know how to feel good
to feel safe
to fall asleep with a smile on my face
other people cut loose with this or that
things i never cared for as much
as long as there was someone willing to provoke a warm sensation inside me
then i must be worth something still
and all I know how to do
is do what i need to do
to find it